I owe it to my readers to give a brief explanation as to why I am so obsessed with spiritual subjects. In essence, what I write is the journal of my personal quest to discover who saved my life and why. I did not ask to be saved, so I have branded on my soul an ownership that I just have to pursue…
I will spare you most of the gruesome details and adult subject matter, but in short, God and I were at odds with each other. My life had brought me to a point that most people
would shudder to imagine. In my lowest state, in my darkest hours, at my loneliest, I had essentially died spiritually. I felt nothing. At around the same time, I also was spared in an automobile accident that should have ended what I perceived to be my miserable life. The
path that led me to this point is secondary to the primary point of not caring whether I lived or died. Even the blessings in my life were as curses to me because I felt myself not worthy of those blessings. I felt that just my very existence affected others negatively. I felt worthless, cursed, guilt-ridden, selfish, and suicidal…and I was a Christian!
A series of failures in all shapes and sizes were testimony to my uselessness. The real
kicker was that growing up, everyone had high hopes for this promising young child. I was not only underachieving, but also wallowing in my own self-pity (which gets old quick). I was really “ticked off” at God for allowing me to be such a disappointment. I thought I had done quite a bit to move my life plan along, holding on to faith like a receipt from the dry cleaners.
After my plans had been thwarted time and time again, I decided that all of it was pointless. I had no horizon to look upon to keep the sea-sickness at bay, and there were no stars above to chart a course. I was a ship tossed in a storm doomed to sink. After my mother passed away (I was unable to “pray her back to health”), I had had quite enough. Let’s get it over with…
www.disciplegideon.wordpress.com will shed some light to those inclined.
But suddenly (and I do mean “suddenly” in the literal sense), in my darkest hour, something magical happened. I know I tend to wax philosophical at times and am a die-hard romantic, but I mean this in a plain and simple way: something supernatural, beyond myself, touched me. It was unfamiliar to me. My heart at the time was so hardened, nothing on this earth could faze me…not even death. But it was not of this earth and that was the unsettling part. As a Christian, I had tasted the goodness of God at times through my life, but the experiences and memories of His presence faded into a grey and forgetful place. I was now a skeptic and tarnished; I not only had lost faith but also detested it. But, it happened anyway one day when I least expected it, that someone
saved my life. But I was unable to comprehend, at the time, why…I was just humbled, amazed, and dumbstruck.
A fire was put inside of me to find out who had intervened and why I was spared when I didn’t want to be spared. Now, as I write this confession of sorts, the fire is consuming me and compels me to write my love affair. If I don’t write, then I am sure the fire would overpower me. The name above all names is in love with me, and I also am in love. My sincere desire is that others allow themselves to taste what I have tasted and know that unconditional love from above is real and good and noble and certain and by no means weak. The pursuit of the one who saved me has proved to me that it never really was a pursuit on my part. He sought me first and went out of his way to catch me on the way down. I still have a hard time accepting the grace bestowed upon my unworthy self, but I’ll accept it because that is what makes my lover happy. I cannot make apologies
for something that survives without any effort on my part. It takes no effort to be in love. If you wondered why I am so focused on this subject, now you know…